whenever anyone asks you “do you have unlimited texting” just say no. say no. honesty isn’t worth the full bee movie script
So, you didn’t get the job. I know, it sucks. I’m sorry! I really am. But here’s what you don’t know. For every job you apply for, there are five hundred applicants. And out of those five hundred applicants, none of them satisfy the employer.
The employer, though he doesn’t know it, is really searching for the Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant.
The Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant is everything you’re not. The Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant has five to seven years of specialized experience coming right out of grad school, and their employment history magically matches what the employer is looking for, to a T. The employer isn’t going to have to train the Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant, because they came out of the womb knowing everything there is to know about working this job. The Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant brings cookies and doughnuts to the office every morning. They never get angry with their co-workers. They never have an off day, because the Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant is never sad, or angry. They can work 20 hours a day while still managing an active and healthy social life, where they network harder than anyone you’ve ever met.
Of course, the Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant is impeccably well-dressed, even when naked, and their breath continuously smells of pancakes and cotton candy. They are taller and better-looking than you are. The Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant is nicer to their parents than you are, they even own their own house, too. They cook French food, which is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do but never got the time to do it. The Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant actually shits diamonds, which they then sell, as a side business. You know! Just to make a little extra cash.
So don’t feel bad, Perfectly Ordinary Job Applicant. You’re hopelessly out-matched. You simply cannot compete against the Perfect Fucking Magical Unicorn Applicant.